And when you hold a shell to your ear, it says, '34 felonies'

That clever James Comey, announcing a covert assault ... with seashells ... on Instagram

By Sam Bellamy

MAGA cult members, imbibers of liberal tears and trusted arbiters of who should be locked up, appear to be suffering from a severe case of seashellshock over James Comey’s recent beach walk.

When our phones lit up with news alerts Thursday evening informing us that Comey was under investigation, most of us probably assumed it was over “Russia, Russia, Russia,” as our stable genius calls the probe launched by the former FBI director. It seemed only a matter of time – “I am your retribution” and all that jazz.

But, no, the full weight of America’s investigative prowess, plus Kash Patel, was landing on Comey because he posted on Instagram a photo of seashells arranged in a familiar pattern – 8647.

If you’ve spent any time on social media since Jan. 20, you’re probably aware that means get rid (86) of Trump (the 47^th president).

But Trump’s inner circle, saturated in their boss’s mob lifestyle, immediately grasped for a more nefarious definition of 86 – kill. Apparently, this is what Trump’s Mafioso pals from his Roy Cohn days used to say when they were being cute.

Most reliable sources, including Webster’s, point to the common usage of 86 as an offshoot of restaurant lingo for removing something from a menu, as in “get rid of” or “we’re out of it, so stop mentioning it to customers” or “health department says we can’t serve that anymore.” It morphed into a code for getting rid of a troublesome customer, say, a drunken, uniformed Pete Hegseth testing everyone’s patience at a strip club.

But somehow MAGA folks, experts in doing their own research, didn’t turn up any of that in their Google searches.

If they’d bothered to look, they would have found numerous websites and Etsy shops selling keychains, bumper stickers and other trinkets bearing the numerals 8646, meaning “get rid of Biden.” Presumably, such tchotchke was manufactured for the pleasure of Trumpers, not supporters of Biden, Biden, Biden.

Those do-it-yourself researchers might also have found news stories about Trump aides having a conniption in 2020 when a pin bearing the numerals 8645 was spotted behind Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer during an interview on NBC’s Meet the Press.

Trump supporters were far more outraged by Whitmer’s pin than the discovery – and arrest – of a group of idiots who called themselves “the Wolverine Watchmen,” who’d plotted to kidnap Whitmer in response to Trump’s social media post to “Liberate Michigan.” The state was in a pandemic lockdown at the time.

But Whitmer wasn’t investigated for that, as far as we know. The controversy blew over, supplanted by – among other things – a rather large riot at the U.S. Capitol a few months later.

Do-it-yourself researchers also might have turned up an X post from the illustrious Matt Gaetz in February 2024 celebrating the fact that Republicans had “86ed” Kevin McCarthy, Ronna Romney McDaniel and Mitch McConnell. All, it appears, recovered from their wounds.

And do-it-yourself researchers also might have found the video Trump posted on Truth Social showing an image of a hogtied Joe Biden on the back of a pickup. MAGA supped on liberal tears when Democrats found that post offensive.

When Comey posted the seashell photo – and later deleted it – Trump’s inner circle and hangers-on set aside whatever evil they were up to Thursday evening to demand an inquisition.

In the brief clip below, you’ll hear Laura Ingraham and Pete Doocy of Fox News strain to work up some outrage over the matter. Others got their froth on quickly.

Donald Trump Jr., clearly worried about his loving father, posted on X: “Just James Comey causally [sic] calling for my dad to be murdered. This is who the Dem-Media worships. Demented!!!!”

James Blair, a White House deputy chief of staff, posted a message employing Trump’s signature use of random capitalization: “This is a Clarion Call from Jim Comey to terrorists & hostile regimes to kill the President of the United States as he travels in the Middle East.”

(These travels, of course, included a soiree with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, who – according to the CIA – ordered the murder and dismemberment of Washington Post columnist and regime critic Jamal Khashoggi in 2018.)

Kash Patel, Kristi Noem, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Sen. Tommy Tuberville and Rep. Andy Ogles were among many MAGA devotees calling for an investigation. Some jumped right past such niceties and went directly to a conviction and sentencing.

“James Comey in my view should be held accountable and put behind bars for this,” the tragically miscast Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard declared on Fox News.

Will Comey face some sort of trumped-up charge? It’s hard to say, given the administration’s disregard for the rule of law. But’s not hard to imagine this turning into a broader sham investigation. If I were him, I’d 23 skidoo to more friendly environs, like Canada, Denmark or Sweden.