Javert and the boys take in a show

From the Kennedy Center to Alcatraz, Trump has a bigly hopes to capture more adulation

By Sam Bellamy

Before Donald Trump hit upon the genius idea of renovating and reopening Alcatraz, he set his sights on the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts – announcing it would become a place for “lifting up the best of our country and lifting up the American arts, music and culture.”

As you no doubt anticipated, it’s not going so well.

Granted, Trump’s description of the center’s future was better than his vision for Alcatraz, which he said “sort of represents something that's both horrible and beautiful and strong and miserable. Weak. It's got a lot of, it's got a lot of qualities that are interesting. And I think they, they make a point. Okay.”

Even so, many patrons of the Kennedy Center thought it was doing pretty good job with the arts already – before Trump took a tour of the facility in March and did his best Mussolini imitation from the presidential balcony. (CNN reported that the White House Rapid Response Team, whatever the hell that is, later posted a video of the president, his arms upraised, with the caption, “Incredibly powerful aura.”)

Ticket sales since Trump’s takeover are more horrible than beautiful and more miserable than strong. Here’s an excerpt from Sunday’s The Wall Street Journal:

“For the first two weeks of sales for the coming season, theater subscription revenue, which includes the plays and musicals that perform on its biggest stages, is down 82% to $224,000 from $1.23 million over the same period last year. Other programming categories, including ballet and classical music, are also down by double digits.”

Earlier last week, The Washington Post said yearly sales are down 36%. A New York Times analysis found that single-ticket sales were down 50% in April and May compared with the same two months last year. Subscription sales were down 82% for theater and 57% for dance, according to The Times.

This is all fake news, the Trump administration responds, as it does to all facts that don’t adequately accessorize the president’s incredible aura.

Numerous performers fled the scene when Trump took over, approximately 50 employees quit and the remaining ones voted to unionize. Trump’s people cancelled anything that looked remotely “woke” and demanded an end to all “drag shows,” including ones it falsely said targeted children. Oddly, though, the new season features “Mrs. Doubtfire” and other shows featuring men in dresses.

Apparently, the Trump team’s vision of “lifting up” the Kennedy Center involves a lot of Jesus. Amy Grant and other Christian singers are being recruited for shows, and a new position for a director of faith-based programming has been created.

The results of those efforts have been underwhelming, according to The Journal. Two showings of an animated feature film, “The King of Kings,” about the life of Jesus filled just over half of the concert hall it was screened in. The screening also featured a prayer wall sponsored by the Museum of the Bible and the Utah-based Moxie Pest Control.

Trump – who wants the center to undergo a major renovation, presumably with lots of gold gilt and massive portraits of himself – is reportedly hitting up foreign leaders, including the Qatar royal family, for donations. There’s also talk of building a marina in the Potomac River next to the center.

On Wednesday, Trump and his entourage will attend “Les Miserables,” the opening show of the new season. He is reportedly a huge fan, although some of the performers aren’t fans of his and said they will bow out of this performance.

Attendees who donate $2 million – ostensibly for the Kennedy Center, but with the Trump family, we can never be sure – will get their photo taken with the president and, no doubt, hear him prattle on about his wondrous transformation of the arts.

Donors had better brace themselves for more incoherent talk about Alcatraz, too.

If Trump stays awake Wednesday, he might catch that the story is about Jean Valjean, imprisoned for stealing bread for his hungry family. Thanks to the tutelage of Javert-like Stephen Miller, Trump will immediately recognize this as bigly how-to guide.