Rep. Thomas Massie, you've reached 'pathetic LOSER' status

Special Trump designation earns a free GOP primary opponent and more exclusive benefits

By Sam Bellamy

Congratulations, Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky, on earning elite reward status as a “pathetic LOSER!” This fantastic achievement unlocks a range of exclusive benefits and elevates your experience as an enemy of people.

What does it mean to be a “pathetic LOSER”?

Pathetic LOSER status, also known as preferred Total Nut Job or Dumb as a Rock status, is a designation granted by Donald Trump, dba the President of the United States, to his most frequent and Absolutely Psycho critics.

You earned this recognition, rare for a member of the president’s own party, for your repeated insistence – on both TV and standing before just about anyone carrying a reporter’s notebook or recording device – that the president’s daring, successful and utterly good-looking bombing of Iranian nuclear facilities without congressional authorization was:

• “Unconstitutional”

• A victory for “necons and the military industrial complex who want war all the time”

• Completely unnecessary because “there was no imminent threat” to the United States

Earning elite status signifies your extraordinary pathetic Loser commitment to destroying our great nation and unlocks perks unavailable to standard Trump haters. *

Benefits of Elite Status:

The advantages of elite status typically vary depending on the president’s mood and/or level of indigestion, but for you, they include:

• A free Republican primary opponent, heavily funded by a newly created super PAC that will spend “whatever it takes” to defeat you in the May 2026 Republican primary!

• Semi-coherent and randomly capitalized insults direct from the Oval Office, Mar-a-Lago and all toilet stalls at home and abroad where the president rage-tweets!

• Secondary insults from Trump hangers-on like ad hoc national security adviser Laura Loomer, who has informed the nation on social media that you are both “a petty bitch” and “a massive cunt”!

• Months, maybe years, of violent threats against you and all eligible family members!

• Special behind-the-scenes opportunities to meet celebrity Jan. 6 rioters, including that guy who wears the Hitler mustache and that other one with the furry, horned hat and heavy face paint who goes shirtless in the dead of winter! (Nuts! But Good Guys and REAL Patriots!)

Finally, for $45.47, plus $30 post and handling, you’ll receive a gold-framed copy of the president’s announcement of your elite status as pathetic LOSER on Truth Social:

Congressman Thomas Massie of Kentucky is not MAGA, even though he likes to say he is. Actually, MAGA doesn’t want him, doesn’t know him, and doesn’t respect him. He is a negative force who almost always Votes “NO,” no matter how good something may be. He’s a simple minded “grandstander” who thinks it’s good politics for Iran to have the highest level Nuclear weapon, while at the same time yelling “DEATH TO AMERICA” at every chance they get. Iran has killed and maimed thousands of Americans, and even took over the American Embassy in Tehran under the Carter Administration. We had a spectacular military success yesterday, taking the “bomb” right out of their hands (and they would use it if they could!) but, as usual, and despite all of the praise and accolades received, this “lightweight” Congressman is against what was so brilliantly achieved last night in Iran. Massie is weak, ineffective, and votes “NO” on virtually everything put before him (Rand Paul, Jr.), no matter how good something may be. He is disrespectful to our great military, and all that they stand for, not even acknowledging their brilliance and bravery in yesterday’s attack, which was a total and complete WIN. Massie should drop his fake act and start putting America First, but he doesn’t know how to get there — he doesn’t have a clue! He’ll undoubtedly vote against the Great, Big, Beautiful Bill, even though non-passage means a 68% Tax Increase for everybody, and many things far worse than that. MAGA should drop this pathetic LOSER, Tom Massie, like the plague! The good news is that we will have a wonderful American Patriot running against him in the Republican Primary, and I’ll be out in Kentucky campaigning really hard. MAGA is not about lazy, grandstanding, nonproductive politicians, of which Thomas Massie is definitely one. Thank you to our incredible military for the AMAZING job they did last night. It was really SPECIAL!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

Congressman Thomas Massie of Kentucky is not MAGA, even though he likes to say he is. Actually, MAGA doesn’t want him, doesn’t know him, and doesn’t respect him. He is a negative force who almost always Votes “NO,” no matter how good something may be. He’s a simple minded “grandstander” who thinks it’s good politics for Iran to have the highest level Nuclear weapon, while at the same time yelling “DEATH TO AMERICA” at every chance they get. Iran has killed and maimed thousands of Americans, and even took over the American Embassy in Tehran under the Carter Administration. We had a spectacular military success yesterday, taking the “bomb” right out of their hands (and they would use it if they could!) but, as usual, and despite all of the praise and accolades received, this “lightweight” Congressman is against what was so brilliantly achieved last night in Iran. Massie is weak, ineffective, and votes “NO” on virtually everything put before him (Rand Paul, Jr.), no matter how good something may be. He is disrespectful to our great military, and all that they stand for, not even acknowledging their brilliance and bravery in yesterday’s attack, which was a total and complete WIN. Massie should drop his fake act and start putting America First, but he doesn’t know how to get there — he doesn’t have a clue! He’ll undoubtedly vote against the Great, Big, Beautiful Bill, even though non-passage means a 68% Tax Increase for everybody, and many things far worse than that. MAGA should drop this pathetic LOSER, Tom Massie, like the plague! The good news is that we will have a wonderful American Patriot running against him in the Republican Primary, and I’ll be out in Kentucky campaigning really hard. MAGA is not about lazy, grandstanding, nonproductive politicians, of which Thomas Massie is definitely one. Thank you to our incredible military for the AMAZING job they did last night. It was really SPECIAL!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

Whew! What a pathetic LOSER you are!

If you act now and send $454.70, plus $101 postage and handling, we’ll also deliver an autographed, gold-painted mini-replica of the Lincoln Memorial with Donald Trump in the seat of honor and YOUR TRUTH SOCIAL ANNOUNCEMENT on the south wall in place of Gettysburg Address.

Please note: We have received your reply – “@realDonaldTrump declared so much War on me today it should require an Act of Congress. #sassywithmassie”– and are currently reviewing your status for a potential free upgrade to STONE COLD LOSER. Check your email for further updates.

* All terms subject to change, and failure to comply with terms and conditions could result in a downgrade from pathetic LOSER to a Cabinet-level position or higher.

Sucking up to the president repeatedly, especially referring to him as “the most consequential president since Lincoln, maybe ever,” automatically rescinds all rights and privileges as a pathetic LOSER and subjects holder to a career-ending appointment resulting in frequent public humiliation and potential incarceration.

See as examples: Vice President JD Vance of Ohio, who once speculated that Trump is “America’s Hitler” and called him “morally reprehensible” but now hails him as “the best president in my lifetime!” and Secretary of State Marco Rubio of Florida, who once mocked the size of the president’s hands and penis on national TV but now forced to say bullshit like, “The American people should be proud that we have a president that's promoting peace and the end of conflict on this planet.”