The White House Enemies List
Fight the Fire has obtained an uneaten snippet of Trump's rough draft
By Sam Bellamy
Disgruntled staff at Trump’s Southern White House – dubbed “Mar-a-Wacko” by a pissed-off employee who routinely scrapes McDonald’s Combo Meals off the walls of the president-elect’s private dining quarters – have leaked excerpts of an Enemies List being prepared for budding FBI director Kash “Sniffles” Patel.
“Apparently My Lard was ripping up a rough draft of the list and eating it, but he dropped this scrap of paper on the floor in his bathroom,” explained a young man who archives classified documents at the presidential retreat when he’s not scrubbing toilets. “I dunno, maybe he was flushing some of the pieces. Damn it! I’d better get the plunger.”
The list is one of numerous wayward documents that wait staff, caddies, housekeeping personnel and others in Trump’s employ say they have been collecting and storing in a safe, undisclosed location offsite in case they need to use it to secure their safety,
“I mean, all it would take is for Elon to tell him about Henry VIII’s habit of lopping off people’s heads, and we’d all be in trouble,” said one of 10 employees paid to hand out copies of “the best scorecard ever” after each of Trump’s rounds of golf. “At this point, Trump still thinks a Tudor is someone his dad hired to get him through remedial economics at Wharton.”
Elon, incidentally, is an especially sore subject among staff. “He’s the house guest who just won’t leave,” said one housekeeper. “I don’t know if he should be allowed to colonize Mars before he learns to pick his socks up off the floor. Department of Government Efficiency? The only thing I’ve seen him save money on is my tip, the cheap bastard.”
Staff members are sharing this list with Fight the Fire in hopes of drawing attention away from the fact that many of them are busy applying to less toxic workplaces, like EPA Superfund sites, where the pace is likely to slow considerably the next four years.
Like Richard Nixon in his infamous enemies list, Trump’s list – written on the back of a memo from Stephen Miller asking for permission to design uniforms for top-ranking aides – focuses largely on political opponents, journalists, academics, business leaders, political groups, labor union officials, random African Americans and Jews and the occasional celebrity like “Arnold Shartzingayga” and “Bouncy” (likely meant to be Beyonce).
Judging from the ripped excerpt obtained by Fight the Fire, it appears Trump chose to list many of his enemies by his favorite epithets for them.
Kamambla, Tampon Tim, Birdbrain (identified by our research assistants as Nikki Haley), Gov. Newscum and Ron DeSanctimonious all appear — although surprisingly low on the partial list we obtained.
The latter name, referring to the governor of Florida, had a red strike through it because, we assume, he’s rumored to be Trump’s chosen replacement for Pete Hesgeth as Secretary of Defense nominee.
Below, we provide the names of individuals and entities cited after DeSanctimonious on the list. Editor’s notes appear in italics.
#216 Any other Cabinet nominees who can’t hold their liquor.
#217 Those generals who called me facist. (sic)
#218 Mike Pence. (Remind me to tell DeSanctimonious to send a couple of drones into Indiana or whatever shithole Mike’s from.)
#219 That black guy who stands behind me at all my rallies and gets in all my photos. (Starting to annoy me.)
#220 Lindsey Graham. (Same.)
#221 Frederick Douglass. (They keep telling me he’s dead but better check.)
Here, Trump restarts his numbering, presumably because the math was getting hard.
#1 Most women. (I’ll start another list.)
#2 Melania. (This thing is classified, right? Keep it the kitchen or next to the vacuum. She’ll never see it there.)
#3 Whichever one of my sons is engaged to that woman who used to be on Fox. (He keeps asking about a Cabinet post for her, and she just doesn’t look good on camera anymore. They’re both ugly, really. I’m not sure he’s actually mine.)
#4 Tiffany or Crystal or whatever her name is. (The daughter who isn’t that hottie Ivanka.)
#5 Any historian who says we DIDN’T take airports from the British during the Revolutionary War. (Check to see if Haiti was involved too. I’ve never seen a dog or a cat in a photo of George Washington, come to think of it.)
#6 Any historian who ranks me below Abe Lincoln or at least Andrew Jackson on a list of great presidents. (Start with the ones who put me below William Henry Harrison. Scaramucci lasted almost as long as that loser!)
#7 The historian on PBS with the Beatles haircut. (He’s never going to do a fair and balanced documentary on me like Pete Doocy would.)
#8 PBS.
#9 Oscar the Grouch (I think I saw him in a meme making fun of me. Barron will know for sure. He keeps track of the bros.)
#11 That guy who called me America’s Hitler. (They say it was J.D., but he says nuh-uh, it wasn’t him. Ask around.)
#12 Obamacare.
#13 People with pre-existing conditions. (Keep them out of photos with me. Gross.)
#14 Whoever it was that first badmouthed aerosol. (My hair spray and tan-in-a-can haven’t been the same since. Get RFK to look into it. It’s my health we’re talking about here.)
#15 Low-flush toilets. (Back in the day, my old man could flush an entire rent application from a colored family. Now I’m lucky if I can get morning briefing down the shitter in three flushes.)
#16 Jimmy Carter (Old and shriveled. Unpresidential. Keep an eye on Clinton and both Bushes, too.) George H.W. Bush is dead, of course. Trump attended the funeral but, in his defense, was busy giving Obama the stink eye and making sure Clinton didn’t hit on Melania.
#17 Canada. (If that prime minister guy who draws that nasty “Doonesbury” won’t let it be the 51st state, pull some of my soldiers from cracking heads at the next Women’s March or whatever and invade Toronto or whatever.)
#18 Arlington National Cemetery. (Give it back to the Lee family. It’s ruined. I make the most beautiful gravesites ever – look at the one I did for that woman who gave birth to that hottie Ivanka. Gorgeous! The tombstone and Ivanka, both! Nothing better!)
#19 That Mexican who sings that Fleece Nobbydod song at Christmas. (They’ll end up singing it at all the camps if we’re not careful.) We believe this refers to the Puerto Rican musician Jose Feliciano, whose "Feliz Navidad" is a holiday favorite. Puerto Rico is, of course, “an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water," and Mexico is that place where all the women give birth to anchor babies, all the men are rapists, and all the children are below average, especially when pulled mewling from their mothers’ arms.)
#20 SCIFs. (Putin says the audio is lousy.)
#21 Carol Channing (She was on Nixon’s list. Must have had a good reason.) This is a reference to the effervescent Broadway star, who is remembered by some theatergoers for yelling “Raspberries!” during a musical after she misread stage directions to blow a raspberry. Sadly, she’s dead, just when we need her the most.
Fight the Fire will attempt to provide its readers with more leaked documents as they are released by employees at Trump’s Florida residence.
We talked to a member of a 12-person staff tasked with ironing printouts from wingnut websites for first flunky Natalie Harp to deliver to Trump each morning. This employee says everyone working at the resort is scared.
“We’ve got to be careful. Honestly, Kash Patel couldn’t find the seat of his pants if you kicked him there,” he says. “But you just never know – Trump bankrupted a casino. Anything’s possible.”
Natalie, this would be a good one to iron. You can help him sound out the bigger words.